So, it's been a long time since I've updated my blog (which my brother reminded me of when I saw him a few days ago)--Things have been up and down, as life is, but it's mainly been good. I've passed the 30-year old milestone (as I've said, I feel like my chronological age is finally beginning to catch up to how old I feel!). Aisha is moving again, to Seattle--a move I feel a lot better about and finally ready to start school again and look for a job--for the first time, it seems like she's really looking to the future, rather than the past. Asha and I have had a rocky few weeks, but I think our relationship is stronger for it. Nate is doing well--occasionally whiny and crying (he'll even tell you that), and a little sick for the last couple of weeks, but really funny and a great kid. I actually feel pretty blessed recently. It's a good, settled feeling.

Today, I had an amazing retreat with my students in the Education 190 class that I teach at Cal. We did a neighborhood scavenger hunt of two neighborhoods in Oakland, did more community building and created our System of Accountability (an alternative form of assessment to traditional standardized grading). It was a really moving experience. I really feel proud of my students and privileged to be teaching this course.

Other than that, it has been busy the last few weeks (tons of consulting)--I shouldn't complain, but I am really spreading myself pretty thin (thus less time to write). Still, I'm managing somehow to keep my head above water...just taking it one day at a time.

That's about all. I don't even know if anyone's checking this blog anymore, as I haven't written in forever, but just in case...

So, it finally happened. Asha had a massive breakdown where she yelled at everyone in our family for treating her like a second class citizen. It was really hard, but it was really good for her and I'm proud of her although I'm pretty hurt and sad because I really love all three of my kids. I'm exhausted. Spent 3+ hours crying today. My back hurts and I feel spent. But, I love my kids and at the end of the day, even with all their drama, I'm still glad to be a mama.

So, Aisha is home--she arrived home for a last minute visit on Friday. It's actually been going really well with her. She's been overall really positive and upbeat. Nate has also been rather positive and upbeat...so, of course, my rock of sanity, Asha is now mad at the entire family.

For the last week or so, Asha hasn't been eating well and she's been complaining of a headache and loss of appetite. Yet, she's still been going to school, which indicated to me that it wasn't that serious. Then, ever since Aisha arrived home (a little before that, I think), she's begun just to completely isolate herself from the family and give us all a big attitude whenever we speak with her. Now, normally Asha cracks an attitude every once in awhile, but a prolonged witchy, crappy, stay the heck out of my face attitude against everyone in the family (except Nate, whom the girls usually try not to taint with their attitudes) for several days, that's not like her.

So, I finally confronted her and asked her what was wrong to which she replied, "I don't feel like I want to discuss that right now". Clearly this indicates that she's suffering from some martyristic complex thing that is causing her to intentionally keep us at bay. When I told her that we're all worried and miss having her as part of the family and asked if she knew when she might want to talk about it, she replied, "Well, when I'm ready, I'll talk to the family about it." So, in other words, all hail the royal Asha as she suffers in her room. Don't anyone go near her or she'll bite off your head, and don't try to care or ask her what's wrong because then she'll sigh loudly and ask if she can just have a minute (like 24-48 hours isn't long enough to be by yourself).

I'm a little perplexed, a little annoyed and a little concerned. But, I feel like I did the right Mama thing, which was to go into her room and apologize in advance for anything that I might have intentionally or unintentionally done and offer her support when she was ready. I said that I respected her need for privacy (which I do), but hoped that she would choose to rejoin the family soon and I asked her to try to be kinder to her sister. Then I told her that whatever it was, if I/we had done something to offend her or whatever, even though I was hurt by her pushing us all away, I knew that we'd get through it as a family and that there was nothing she could ever do to lose my love. It was hard for me to get to that place, but in the end, that's why I'm so frustrated, because my daughter is shutting out my love, and not letting me suffer with her. And I miss my funny, crazy Asha. This moody teenager Asha is still my Asha, just not the one I'd prefer to deal with on a regular basis.

Maybe she just needs some attention and doesn't really know how to ask. Her sister and brother are both really good at asking for what they need. She's more like me and feels like asking for anything she needs would be a bother to others. I wish she would just ask, or that she would let me teach her how to perfect the act of martyrdom. I've got it down to a science.

But anyways, I am proud of the fact that I left her in a place where I felt okay. Now, I just need to let her come to me and follow my words that I trust her. I need to let my actions speak. I really, really, really love my kids--and love means for better and worse, I suppose.

So, I'm trying my hand this week at being a stay at home mom. Let me just say that I have many friends who once thought they wouldn't be cut out to be stay at home moms, but then they had their kids and now they are. My hats off to you. I am not cut out to stay at home with small children. Today, Nate cried from an hour and a half, for no reason (actually, he was tired, but there was no provoking incident or anything) and then he just stopped and asked me to read him a counting book with the seals. Sigh. He's sleeping peacefully now, and I have avoided flipping my lid--thankfully.

My first teaching day for the fall semester at Cal is tomorrow. It's also Asha's first day of school. With Nate's daycare out of session, this means that mommy is bringing Nate to class. Hey, they have to apply to get in. I figure if my kid scares them off then they won't apply to be in my section ;). I'm also meeting with the Nutritionist tomorrow. I'm keeping my fingers crossed on the weight gain thing. I've been eating a lot more regularly now that my stress level has gone down, but I don't want to get my hopes up too much and then have it not materialize.

What else? I'm excited about most of my work this semester and am even setting aside a couple of hours a week for "office hours" which I think will mostly allow me to do some much needed work on my reading lists for orals. There is this one job that I really don't think I should have taken. It's stressing me out and probably almost certainly not worth the money, stress or commute. But, I feel obligated now that I've accepted it. Maybe I'll need to work on that in therapy.

I still love my Yaris. It's actually probably the only reason that I'm still considering keeping this other job. It's so much fun to drive--hee, hee. But, if I don't keep the other job, at least, I'll have gotten the Yaris out of the bargain.

Well, Hans is calling me to dinner. I may actually get to eat before Nate wakes up (which means, I might just complete a meal! Unheard of.

So, I just finished my last final ever. Woo-hoo! I mean, I'm not going to take any more classes and I'm not going to get another degree (I hope), so this really is my last final ever. How bizarre. Despite the lack of preparedness, I'm not sure that I could have done a whole lot better if I had done great preparation, so I'm glad I watched the Olympics.

Well, back to life as usual. I have a meeting today and a bunch of stuff to do--getting ready to head up to Eugene tomorrow to visit Aisha. Next week, I'm working everyday once I get back. Sigh, sigh, and double sigh.

Sorry for the short post, but short is better than nothing. I've got 10 minutes to make a phone call.

So, I haven't been updating regularly, although lots has been going on. I'll try to catch everyone up but am not sure how coherent this will be since I'm watching as I'm watching the Olympics. Ahhh, the Olympics. Every four years, I somehow feel so proud to be an American--generally, I'm magnanimously indifferent or generally resistant to being American, but after the 4 x 100m men's swimming freestyle relay, who could not love being an American? (However, if I don't get an A in my Sociology class this summer--my last class ever at Cal, it will be due to the lack of preparation for my final, a.k.a. time in front of the Olympics)

But this weekend in Vegas was awesome. Obviously, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but suffice to say, it was the most fun I've had in a long time--in fact, I'm still recovering thanks to my favorite "Patron" and a lot of dancing.

Also, we got a Yaris today. I actually fell in love with the Honda Fit yesterday, but it wasn't a "fit" for us, in terms of price (with a $3000 dealer mark-up). The Yaris is adorable; it's blue and fun to drive and just all around cute. Now, we just have to sell the Camry (the dealer wanted to give us $100 to "take it off our hands"--we figure Craig's list is a better bet. The only down side of the deal is that the car has no radio, but I will just meditate as I drive and hope I don't fall asleep in the really, really comfy driver's seat.

Well, back to the Olympics and soon to sleep. Final tomorrow. I hope it goes well ;)

Hello to the loyal blog readers (aka my close friends and family)--
So I've realized that I've been slacking on my blog, but I think this is symbolic of the way that I live my life. I think I build everyone's expectations up of me by being this uber-on top of everything, competent person and then, I feel like a slacker when life stuff comes up and I'm no longer able to maintain the image. But, whatever, no excuses. An explanation--the girls have been up late skyping which means that I haven't had my evening reflection time, which is generally when I post. I was actually surprised to see that it's only been one week since I last posted--it feels like forever.

I took Asha to a doctor for her twitching (two, actually) who couldn't figure out any medication that might help her, so it's back to working on the stress that actually causes it. That's okay for the time being though because she seems to have her stress more under control since she's started being my "mother's helper" and she's adjusting to life without her twin in the house. Speaking of her as a "mother's helper," I don't know if I've talked about this, but this is the best thing ever. She works. I don't have mounds of housework in addition to my school and professional work--nice.

I've been tossing around the idea of buying a Yaris. I am really tired of my Camry, which is now home to a small colony of ants (I did not think this was actually possible, to have ants colonize one's car, but apparently it is--I've told Hans if the queen comes out while I'm driving, he should just expect an accident as I freak out and try to stomp on it). More than that, I've realized that it's not a particularly practical car, given how much commuting I'm going to be doing this school year. As a consultant, I'm driving everywhere in the Bay Area (including....gasp...San Francisco). The Camry has pretty poor city gas mileage and it's really hard to park. We got it because we thought it'd be easier to drive than the Odyssey, but in actuality, it's only slightly less long. I really want a Prius, but I'm not even really sure that I can afford a Yaris, although I wonder if I can write it off as a business expense--I am using it to commute to all my consulting jobs. What do people think about the Yaris possibility?

Aisha's still adjusting to Eugene. She's thinking she probably will want to come back to the Bay Area after her lease is up, and is working on ways to deal with what caused her to leave. We'll see how it goes--I will keep everyone updated, but I'm glad that she's thinking about her future in a productive kind of way.

I'm leaving for my friends' Justin and Maria's wedding tomorrow morning. I've realized that my weekends lately have been insane which makes me feel really bad for Nate. Last weekend, we did our anniversary date (oh, I didn't blog about the dinner, which included wagyu beef nigiri--it was the best thing I've ever eaten. I love the restaurant we ate at, it was such an experience and really peaceful. It's called Kaygetsu, for any fellow foodies who are interested), so Nate was with his aunt Kim (Hans' little sister) and Asha. This weekend, I'm in Las Vegas for 3 days. Next week, I'm heading to Eugene, and Hans and Nate will take the train up on Friday night. But, at the end of August, Nate has a daycare break week, so we'll spend lots of time together at the zoo or parks. Yes, I have to use my blog to reassure myself that I'm not a crappy parent ;).

Okay, I'm going to go to lunch with Hans now. I'm monopolizing his work computer to do this journal. I'm starving. I'll see some of y'all in Vegas, everyone else can live vicariously through a promised update on Sunday.

So, today was a mixed bag. It started off alright, with class and a quick planning session for this presentation I have to give next week with a partner in my summer class, and then I went to my nutritionist, where, by miracle or miracles, I actually gained another half a pound. This is awesome considering I wasn't eating very well two weeks ago. Luckily that brownie last night at Momma's Night must have paid off, or something, because I've broken the 96 lb barrier. Woo-hoo. And, I've come to the realization that I need to just get food when I'm hungry and consider that an operating expense. I can't plan for when I'll be hungry and what I'll be craving--but when I feel that way, I need to eat. It's actually pretty simple--eat what I want to eat...how remarkable.

Then I took Asha to investigate possibly taking anti-anxiety medication to help her twitching. The meeting with a psychiatrist ended up being a big waste of time because of a miscommunication between Hans, her and I, but I ended up just feeling stupid and unable to help my daughter and really angry at my husband. It's bad because I haven't been able to shake that feeling most of the evening. (It didn't help that my husband later proceeded to eat all of the special guacamole that I bought myself to boost my fatty goodness intake for the day)

I got home and spent some great quality time with Nate, but then spent almost 2 hours trying to help Aisha navigate a trip to Salem tomorrow because her internet is down. I seriously felt like i was about to scream and kick the wall.

Well, I figure that if I go to sleep, maybe I'll wake up and it will be a bad dream or at least, it will be a new day. In talking with Michele, my nutritionist, she brought up the concept of "radical acceptance" which is just that, well, however life is is however life is, and that's okay. I've heard this in various forms before. And, I'm taking that on as a life mantra. Or a survival mantra....something like that.

...as my husband says. I'm back from the weekend in Eugene. It went well, but I had no idea how much setting up an apartment from scratch was. Since coming back, Aisha's definitely been struggling with being on her own. I think when we left, she really realized what exactly she was doing and how daunting it would be to live on her own...or at least, she's starting to. It's been a tough start. Yesterday, she decided she wanted to go to Portland on Greyhound, but then the bus on the way back got delayed and she was home later than she thought. That made her mad. Today, she decided to run a bunch of errands, and picked up juice at Target (without her Chinatown special rolling cart) before remembering that she had to walk from the bus home since the bus that stops just in front of her house stops running at 6pm. She was really upset. I suppose that these are just normal teenage (or being on your own for the first time) upsets, but it's hard since I've been such an instrumental part of directing her life around road blocks for the last 10 months to just have no control over how bad she's feeling.

And I have my own life to try to figure out. I got my first paper back from my undergraduate sociology course that I'm taking this summer. Granted, I did the paper in an hour and a half (that's generous) and didn't bother to proofread it at all, but I got an A-/B+. Dude, I should be able to get an A on a paper for an undergrad class in my sleep. And, this is why I am an advocate to dismantle the competitive system of grading and evaluation that our current system embodies. I feel bad for feeling bad, but the reality is that I feel bad. I'm such a product of the system. Grades are yucky. I think especially because it's an undergraduate class and I feel like I am "entitled" to a better grade because I have more life experience and more to really contribute in terms of educational background. GRRRRRRRRR. Okay, I'm trying to get over it.

On the good tip, I had a great meeting with my adviser, Glynda, yesterday, and she looked over my proposal for AERA (the American Educational Research Association) Annual Meeting and said it looked really good, which is really, really encouraging.

There's been a lot more going on, but I'm just too tired right now to think about it all. I'll try to write again within the next few days.

I'll keep this one short and sweet. I'm leaving to sign papers for Aisha's apartment today. I won't probably have access to internet while I'm in Eugene as I'm not sure how fast I can get her connection set up, so I'll update everyone when I return home. Yikes it's early...and I'm already late!

So, I haven't written in four days, and while in the past, this would indicate severe major life issues, actually this time, it indicates just supreme busyness, which most of you know is not new. But, I wanted to write tonight. Went out tonight for Momma's Night and saw my friend Shira, who I haven't seen in awhile. I realized I was getting really defensive about my parenting and about racism and my experiences with it regarding the girls--overreacting to a few innocent questions or opinions that she had. So, I was clearing this up with her (because I love her and think she's awesome and didn't want her to be left in a weird place) and I realized just how sad I am about all the girls have been through and all I can't fix for them. It's this weird space of being an adoptive parent and knowing that you can't make it right for your children. And it's compounded by the fact that I've been reading a ton of sociological articles about how slim their chances are in life given where they've been and I feel like I'm climbing uphill both ways in the snow. It's hard being the model minority and being confronted with the realities of being black in America, but it's much, much harder because it's not me who is living this reality, it is my children, whom I absolutely adore and would give the world for. So, I'm really sad, because I know that I can't fix it, no matter how hard I try. Yes, I can affect how their lives turn out and try to make it the best I can and encourage them to get an education and to stand strong in the face of treatment that they experience, but I can't impact society in the way I want to, yet.

There's so much urgency, and yet, I am frustrated with academia. I am feeling really stymied by the hurdles of becoming a marketable academic and am seriously questioning whether career academics actually affect real change for people. I am so committed to making a change in the world of education, for my children and other people's children, but I feel so ineffective at everything right now. I'm not even sure that I can affect change for my own children. I think I am just simply stretched too thin, but I don't know--maybe I just am not as competent as I think I am.

I'm leaving in a couple of days for Eugene to sign the papers for Aisha's apartment. I hope things work out well for her there. I'm worried that maybe I've made the wrong decision and maybe I should have encouraged her to go to a more urban, diverse community like Seattle, where she has been enjoying the city. Maybe she'll be too bored in Eugene. I don't know. We're committed now, so, I guess, as in all parenting of late, we'll just see how it goes and roll with it as it comes.

That's all for now. I am still hoping for happier times to come. I suppose that hope springs eternal.

So, I put Aisha on a plane this morning to Seattle. I know, Seattle? is probably what many of you are thinking, but long story short, she needed to get away and it was exhausting to everyone to see her struggle, so she decided to take a vacation before she moves to Eugene. She's spending her internship money and she actually seemed genuinely relieved and happy this morning for the first time in a long time. I'm hoping that the next week until we see one another will go well. It is the Pacific Northwest, so at least people won't be so stressed out, and, the weather's actually supposed to be really nice in Seattle for her visit, so hopefully she'll have a good new start.

And, Asha, while still looking for a job, is going to be a Mother's Helper to none other than me. I know this seems silly that I'd be paying my child to do house chores, except that I'm actually funding my own sanity by her feeling like she's earning her spending money (and not constantly stressing out about money) and I get to not do laundry to boot. Awesome. So, then I might actually be able to focus on my orals reading lists? Really? No, really? I can't believe this!

So, things are looking up for the moment. This is the first positively cheery entry I've been able to write in so long. I'm sure that is actually a great relief to most of you reading this, as I know many, many of you have expressed concern and offerings of support. I may as yet still need them, but for the first moment in a long while, I can breathe.

I think my body is finally feeling all the tension of this past several months (I mean, as if the not eating and being constantly tired wasn't enough of a signal)--my shoulders and neck feel really tight. My friend Anne, says that a detox spa treatment and massage is in order--Asha actually had the same idea for me. We'll see. But for now, it is just a relief to breathe.

My brain feels like a bowl full of mush. I'm clear that this is probably because I've been under so much stress for the past 10 months, and especially the last 4 months, that I've been in autopilot survivor, get everything done and get it done well and quickly, and don't fall apart and try to remember to eat mode, and now my body is starting to relax with Aisha's move so imminent.

Here's the problem with that. I'm not out of the woods yet. Aisha is still here for the next week and Asha is still in the midst of a not real successful job search. And I am taking summer school and supposedly working on my reading lists for orals and I only have three weeks to get an AERA proposal written and I feel like my theoretical background knowledge for my proposal would be so, so, so bad because, well, quite simply, my brain is a bowl full of mush.

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Ah, I feel a bit better....no, not yet, let me try that again....

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Well, hopefully the mush will settle into molding clay soon--I can work with that. In the recent heat, if it's air-dry molding clay, maybe it will harden into some beautiful, workable, dissertation ready brain....hmmmmmm. Then maybe I can market that.

I think I need some sleep.

Today sucked so badly. It went from my last entry into a downward spiral that ended in a fiery crash.

Then, it somehow got a little better.

Aisha's moving next week. There was another apartment that was available next week. She's going to go. I know I should have more to say about that, but I don't for right now.

Asha's looking for a job. She gets frustrated easily. She's all or nothing in the job search. She kinda expects people to just hand her a job because she puts in an application. Sigh

So, here's what was really, really great about today. There are two things:
1) My husband took me to lunch at La Med to get me away from the crazy house and I finally got to try ice cream at Ici--I had the cherry chocolate chip on a hand-rolled cone (with a chocolate stopper). It was delicious and cherry chocolate chip is one of my favorite flavors of all time.

2) Nate's sleeping in a junior bed now. We took down the side of his crib, so now he can climb in and out of his bed by himself (my back and his weight were getting to be too much for me). My little boy is growing up. He's really hilarious. He was in the middle of throwing a fit and Hans took him into his room to calm down; when Nate first glanced at his bed, he said, "What happened my bed?". Also, today, he clearly displayed his dramatic flair. I know that he's a big faker sometimes. He'll pretend he's upset to get attention (as most children his age do), but I know he knows he's faking and he's not genuinely upset. So, today, when he started being the drama king he is, I said, "Faker" and his mouth went straight from a mountain wailing sob to hysterical laughter. Boy, do I love my little boy.

I love my little girls too. But, alas this is the problem.

I hope I'm doing the right thing, but for now, I know I'm doing the only thing I can to survive.

I have decided that I am done letting Aisha's depression disempower me.

After spending the weekend in Eugene and finding a great apartment, when we arrive home, again, it rears its ugly head and she doesn't know how she's going to make it to the month of August. She just wants to quit everything. But she doesn't want to take anymore medication and she wants to just leave right away.

So, I broke it down for her. She can leave tomorrow and stay in a hostel in Eugene until her place is ready. Or she can take more medication and alleviate her suffering for the time being. Or she can stay here and not take more meds (not go off them, but stay at the same dosage) and suffer through the next 40 days. (I really hope she doesn't choose this because I'm not sure that I can make it through the next forty days with her like this) I know it's hard on her, but what other options are there? I feel like I'm being more than generous.

I know she's in a hard space. After my mom died, when I was in a really tough living situation, I was counting the days until I could move away and go to college. I know I wasn't depressed while I was in this situation, and it was hard, but she's being ridiculous. She's a smart kid, and I know she's ill, but I'm done making excuses for her and giving up my life and all my financial solvency. I'm already supporting her through at least the first 6 months of her stay in Eugene--I draw the line at paying for a hotel for a month so she can get away from here. You've got to be kidding me.

She's tired. I know. But so am I. And I'm not the one with the mental illness. She wants to get away. So do I and I actually have my own means to do it. I'm really, really, really angry and sad. I suppose she is too. So we're both trapped. She's trapped with herself and I'm trapped with her. 39 more days to go.

We found a place yesterday. It's lovely. It's a 2 bedroom/1 bath place with a balcony and tons of storage, a built-in washer/dryer and vaulted ceilings for $850 a month. I know it's just Aisha on her own, so one might wonder why a two-bedroom, but I figure that we'll be coming up to visit her often and the price difference was less than $100/month between the 1 and 2 bedroom that I figured it'd be cheaper than a hotel, and nicer for her to have us stay with her. Her move in is August 15.

I'm feeling apprehensive about the return home. Aisha already mentioned yesterday how she doesn't want to return to "normal" life in Oakland and I am worried about what the next month will be like as well. I'm hoping that having something to look forward to will keep her somewhat positive, but am also somewhat doubtful of that since I think she'll just be impatient to go.

We also had dinner with Tracy yesterday. I realize that I brought my camera with me on this trip, but missed great photo opportunities, like getting a picture with Tracy and Mateo (who is the second cutest little boy ever--behind Nate, of course). We ate this really yummy pizza, in Salem, which, for a capital city was pretty dead on a Saturday evening. Then again, this is Oregon, so I guess things aren't really hopping around here.

Yesterday we passed a Shell gas station. I just mention that it's a Shell because I tend to think that Shells charge more for their gas than most. It was 50¢ a gallon cheaper than what I paid in California. Crazy, isn't it? [Another perk of Aisha's place is that it's right next to a Costco gas, but the lines there yesterday were down the block for gas!]

Well, not much more to say. Gearing up for the long drive down. I can't wait to see the boys and Asha again. I especially miss Nate since when we're separated, I can't really talk with him because it would remind him that I'm not around and he'd be sad. So, I haven't heard from him in 3 days and that's really hard. I have to admit that I kinda miss Thomas the Tank Engine. But, don't quote me on that, I'm sure I'll be Thomas-ed out again by Tuesday.

So, the drive up here was long. We left the house at 8am, and after a quick stop at Jamba Juice, Safeway and the bank, we were on the freeway by 8:30. Traffic up to Eugene was light, so I was able to go pretty quickly, but made a lot of bathroom stops (I was traveling with a teenage girl after all), and stopped to sit down for lunch at the Black Bear Diner in Shasta (which was delicious, thanks for the recommendation, Alex) which made the journey pretty darn long. When we arrived at 6:30 pm, I was exhausted. I think this is the single longest drive I've ever made in a day--although I did do 12 hours in the car driving to LA the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving in college, which was much, much worse.

The drive was beautiful--through mountains with lots of trees, with, as I said, little traffic. I was driving the Camry so I had to rely on the radio and listening with one ear to my iPod shuffle. I've decided that I need to upload a longer playlist for the way back.

Our hotel is pretty nice. We're at the Valley River Inn which is right on the Willamette River. The woman at the front desk was really, really nice. In fact, generally everyone here has been super friendly and chatty. I don't know if we've just fallen on extremely helpful people or if this is just what Oregon is like, but it's a pleasant change from home. (Maybe I'm just harder in Oakland!)

I was super excited to find out that there was free internet in the room--until I tried to hook up to it, and discovered that my computer wasn't into the network. After an hour of trouble shooting, it's finally up....yay! So, that was great. Well, it's great now that I'm on the information superhighway again.

Um, other thoughts. There's a lot of white people here. I know that's what I was told, but I was just shocked to see the lack of diversity. I mean there are Latino people working in food service, but everyone in Olive Garden was white--there was so little diversity, that Aisha leans over to me at the beginning of our meal and says, "I think I'm the only person like me here". Yup, yup. I know that the campus won't be like this, but it's just really weird. It reminds me of Canyon Country when I lived there and there were just a handful of Asian and Black Americans, and the Latino students were really rare to find in higher level classes.

Also, I get to see Tracy today! Yay! I'm excited!

What else? We see our first apartment in a couple of hours. I'm nervous because looking at a map of Eugene, the apartment that Aisha thinks she wants is pretty far from where her school would be. So, I'm worried that she'll need a lot of time for the commute. We're thinking maybe in the couple of months before school starts, she can work on biking and bike to the main bus station, where there's a bus that goes out to the college. The bus is free for community college students, so that's rad. I hope the place we're looking at has some apartments available and that they're kind to us. I've become a little on guard about people, at force of hanging around the girls, I think.

Well, I'm sure I'll update again tonight.

Well, I am anyways. It's 7:30 and I'm contemplating going to bed--this would be earlier than my 2-year old's bedtime. Then again, Nate can already out-eat me, perhaps outlasting me in waking hours is just one step behind.

We're taking off for Eugene in the morning. I'm actually kinda excited because I've only been to Oregon once, for my dear friend, Tracy's wedding, and I haven't yet seen her son, Mateo (well, except for pictures, but it's not the same) who is almost 6 months old. I might get to see them this weekend and will definitely see them more if Aisha ends up moving up to Eugene.

I'm dreading the drive a little bit though. I'm not a long haul driver--I usually prefer to let Hans (or anyone else) drive me around, but since I am the only licensed driver around, I guess it's up to me to do the drive. I've done an equally long drive before and I'm driving during the day, so it shouldn't be too bad...I hope.

Anyways, today, I spent the morning cleaning the Ed 190 office. The 6 facilitators for this course (we each teach one section) share this tiny space that clearly hasn't been cleaned/organized in a few years. I've been doing a ton of cleaning lately, which, I'm sure, to anyone who has ever lived with me and most people who have ever been to my house, will come as a huge surprise since I used to be a consummate packrat. I don't know. Lately, something about cleaning has become incredibly therapeutic and I've become pretty intolerant or disorganization/ clutter. I guess I'm doing a lot of clearing out of metaphorical stuff and need my physical space to be reflective of that too.

My stomach's been jumpy all day. It's funny because today was a pretty good day, but the stress of the weekend always delays its physical effects until a few days after everything has calmed down. I think I'm in survival mode during the stress and afterwards, when my body is off the adrenaline of the situation, it starts breaking down. I've really got to work on this because eating is hard enough when I feel well--it's infinitely harder when my stomach's unsettled.

Rereading that last sentence makes me sad because I love eating. I love food, especially good food. Yet, eating is hard. Sigh.

Okay, focus on the positive, I say...today was peaceful...and now I'm going to sleep (at 7:46 pm...how sad, I mean positive...)

Today was a lovely day. I didn't do a whole lot, but that was kinda nice. I took the bus with Nate to school (his favorite mode of transportation--well, except for Thomas the Tank Engine, of course!) and then came home, worked on my syllabus for the class I'm teaching in the fall at Cal, tried to work on my reading lists, but am a little stuck on the whole process, went to pick up Nate from school and took him to the playground so Hans could rest before his long drive down to LA with Asha, Nate and Kim (Hans' little sister). They're heading down there for the 4th because Asha has a huge anime cosply convention (Anime Expo). Aisha has work tomorrow so I decided to stay up here with her and we'll leave Friday morning to check out apartments in Eugene.

On that front, the update to the Eugene move is that I want Aisha to have a chance at success and I feel like launching immediately into a part time job search while adjusting to living on one's own in a semi-compromised state is probably not setting her up for success. So, I told her that she should find some volunteer work, that would be the equivalent to a part-time job (just without the pay and pressure of a job--and it would be something she could start right away, so she wouldn't be bored), but the key would be finding a place that she could volunteer that would interest her without making her really sad. She's scared of dogs, so work with animals doesn't work. She's not particularly fond of whiny children so work with kids wouldn't work. She doesn't like people who are rude to her, which was the problem when she volunteered at GLIDE Memorial serving food to the homeless (plus, I imagine there are much fewer homeless in Eugene...I mean, what do I know, maybe not, but I'll find out this weekend, I guess). Anyways, if anyone has suggestions on non-stressful volunteer work, I'd be happy to hear them or other things she might be involved in that would be supportive of her getting to know Eugene and not just sitting in her apartment with no social interaction for two months--that would be catastrophic, to say the least.

But, it was a good day. Let me get back today. It was a red letter day today because Asha took our toaster oven to LA (she brought down food for the convention because at the last convention, she didn't do such a great job of eating and convention center food is overpriced) and I decided that this would be the opportunity I've been waiting for to replace the hand-me-down, at least 10 year old toaster oven that we've been using for all that time. So, I got this great toaster oven that can broil and is a convection oven and can even do rotisserie chicken. Hee, hee. I'm so giddy! I love new appliances. I know this seems trite given my life situation, but hey, I'll take happiness in small boxes!

I already miss Hans, Asha and Nate, but most especially, Nate. My son, for all his two-year-old terribleness sometimes, is just the light of my life. I don't get to hug him for 4 days--way too long. Sigh, but I'm going to try to focus on the positive, and today was really okay. What a relief.

Yes, you can tell how bad life is by how long between my journals. Blogging has become like a form of meditation for me. It allows me to be one with my computer, write freely and actually relax. However, when life gets rough, it usually means I don't have enough mental space to write--I'd actually have to both be relaxed and feel like I have enough time to sit down and do an entry--both of those have been tough to feel lately.

So, it was another breakdown long weekend, culminating in me losing it publicly twice in two days at each of the two teenagers (i.e. Asha on Sunday and Aisha on Monday). Here are the stories, since I know that I've talked to some of you, but not really been in the space to talk about what's been going on.

On Sunday, we had planned a full day because it was the anniversary of some of the major bus line cuts on AC Transit. Many of you have been asking about Aisha's passion for the buses, so let me explain a bit. I don't want to go too much into detail because it's long and I know that when she's shared much of this before she's been really criticized and called crazy, so I want to respect her. Anyways, since Aisha was little, the buses have been a space of safety and comfort for her, through very difficult times. They've been like a second family. Those of you who are familiar with Thomas the Tank Engine know how each train has a personality and a part in the railway--it's kinda like that for Aisha and the buses--she's created an entire world around them where they have lives and children and feelings, etc. Where this becomes problematic is when it intersects with cuts to public transportation in the real world. About 2 and a half years ago, she went to an AC Transit board meeting--up until then, AC Transit had been on her side, and been the "parents" of the buses, but after this meeting AC Transit became the enemy, working against her to cut the lines. This happens to coincide with the time right around when Nate was born, when he was getting all the normal doting attention from his grandparents (Hans' parents) and Aisha just didn't understand why people didn't make a big deal when she came (which actually isn't true, but to her it is). Anyhow, this started the downhill trajectory into the depression that she's currently suffering from--it didn't help that she left school because of an overzealous military-like math teacher and had to spend the bulk of her days alone in the house for a few months before I went back to graduate school. This allowed all the negative stuff in her head to fester, in a way, and it's on top of the unresolved grief issues that have been displaced into this world of hers. So, that's a lot of detail, actually more than I thought I would give, but she's managing pretty well, normally, it's just hard for her because she really only feels like she can confide in me and her therapist (although for 6 or so months, it was all only me)--not even her sister. And that has just made it harder and harder to deal with everything going on around her, especially when she is working for AC Transit as an intern and when she is around so many elements of her past (the buses, people she doesn't want to see from when her mother and father were still alive, etc.).

So, I planned a day on Sunday, so that she wouldn't have to think too much about it. I acknowledged that it was a tough day, but thought doing something else would be good. So, we drove down to Santa Cruz and then Monterey to the Aquarium and then came back up to have dinner at Miyozen, one of our favorite Japanese restaurants. Asha was just being a pill all day--she didn't want to get out of the car when we arrived at the museum, she was silent the whole day and at dinner she was frowny faced and quiet, so I, in my most cheerful voice, did the "happy song"--"Please be happy, please be happy, please be happy!" Instead of laughing or reacting like I was concerned for her, she said, "What? If I'm not smiling from ear to ear, that means I'm not happy?" and then proceeded to be rude to her sister and me, at which point, I paid, and we left the restaurant. But on the way to the car, she continued abdicating all responsibility for her behavior all day, even though she knew exactly what day it was and how hard that was for her sister, and I lost it and started yelling at her in the parking lot. In retrospect, the incident is actually pretty amusing, but at the time, I was so pissed--I mean, I tried to put together a day that included activities that would appeal to everyone and no, once again, can't please the whole family. Finally, we talked about it and worked things out and planned the next day.

So, as if Sunday was not hard enough, Monday was Adoption Day (it's the day that the girls' adoption was finalized) and we always celebrate it as a family together. The day started off alright, but then Aisha started looking at her schedules and getting overwhelmed and decided that, despite our plans for the day, she wanted to go to Office Depot and find a way of organize her schedules right now. So, we went (we had other stuff we needed to get too, and I knew if we delayed this, she'd be upset the whole day too) and then as she's about to buy 12 filing boxes for the schedules, I point out to her how much room this is going to take in her room (clutter also stresses her out a lot), at which point she says, "Well, what am I supposed to do? I have to organize the schedules. I've been waiting half my life to get them, now I can't just let them sit there. I don't hear you offering to help me organize them." At which point, after putting my life on hold for the last nine months for her, I totally snapped. What? Excuse me? You don't hear me offering to help you? So, I threw the two boxes down that I was holding (oh, did I mention that I had offered to help her with the boxes about a minute before she said this), so loudly that the Office Depot staff came over and asked if everything was alright. Awesome. Two public displays of insanity in less than 24 hours. Sigh.

So, I had a huge breakdown yesterday after that. It's been coming for awhile--I've just been really, really running on empty and giving myself to everybody else such to the point that I've completely lost the spark that gives me energy and life (and weight, apparently). This is certainly not a helpful environment for the girls or Nate to be in. And when I break down, Aisha blames herself and in a way, she's right. I mean, it's true that she's not the only source of my stress, but she is so dependent on me right now that it's overwhelming.

So (wow I start every paragraph with so), she wants to move to Eugene sooner rather than later and at this point, although I don't know that she can handle living on her own, I also don't know that I can handle things the way they are either, and I feel like as long as I'm around, she's going to overly lean on me and as long as she's around this area, she's going to have her past in her face all the time. So, we're going up to look at apartments this weekend with a move-in date of August 1. I'm really, really worried about her finding part time work. I feel like, if she's able to do that, she'll be alright. School doesn't start up there until September 29, and with two months of nothing to do, she'll wither, but if she's working and having some social interaction and then coming home to her own place, and continuing therapy, maybe she'll have the space she needs to start pulling herself together.

I feel really divided about this--part of me hopes for the best, as I always do, but part of me questions what the heck I'm doing sending a depressed teenager with very few coping skills and not terribly huge job qualifications up to live on her own (no less the fact that she's African-American, which I've witnessed work against her in so many ways). Another part of me needs a break. Nate and Aisha are both so dependent on me right now and I just cannot continue to do this forever.

I've gotta go. My break is up and I'm sure if you're still reading, so is yours.